In Search of the Perfect Figure
by Jadis31
Summary: Sirius walks in on an interesting conversation... RemusSirius


"Don't be vague, ask for Sirius' ass."  
  
Laughter burst from Remus' throat. Hearing Peter, innocent, virginal Peter, phrase it like that, was more than Remus' composure could stand. Any embarrassment he might have felt evaporated.  
  
"What was that about my ass?" Sirius' voice held the same light mood Peter and Remus' laughter had, but it brought all of the potential embarrassment this situation held to Remus' reddening face. James and Sirius, oblivious to Remus' humiliation, thanks to Peter's now nearly incapacitating guffaws, walked over to Remus' bed.  
  
Remus opened his mouth to make an excuse, unsure of what he could say that wouldn't sound like they had been talking about, well what they HAD been talking about. He was saved from embarrassing himself further with a lame lie or worse the truth, when Peter spoke.  
  
"James, you remember last week we were looking at the adverts for Madame Lauren's Perfect Figure Charms? We were just figuring out what features we would request, you know if we were to buy it." Remus could have kissed Peter at that moment. Peter's ability to lie convincingly had gotten the four of them out of more trouble over the years than all of Sirius' plans, James' wit and Remus' reputation combined, but never had Remus been so grateful for it as that moment.  
  
"I'm flattered." Sirius smiled. "I will say, I think it shows excellent judgement on both your parts."  
  
"Excellent judgement? Are you insane? My ass is much better than Sirius'." James' indignation would have sounded more genuine without the grin.  
  
"I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, James, but your ass has gotten a bit, how should I say it, big, the last year or so. It's not bad, but not one you would waste a charm on. Moony's ass is already better than yours." Remus, though laughing genuinely at the competition between them, was still pleased to know that Sirius had noticed and liked his rear.  
  
James pulled his robe tight around his waist, "Big? How can you call that Big? That, my friend, is a nearly perfect back side." He wiggled his ass in Sirius' direction.  
  
"James, I didn't mean to imply that it was a bad ass, just not nearly equal to mine." Never to be out done, Sirius hiked up his robe and turned to give the others a good view of his best side, covered only in thin white cotton shorts. Remus' laughter stopped. He was too preoccupied with other things to focus on the humor of the moment.  
  
"Fine, but I am sure they asked for my shoulders, didn't you? And my chest, Sirius, your chest hasn't changed since first year." As he spoke, James chest seemed to puff out further.  
  
Remus couldn't help but bait him a little. "No, James, we didn't. Sorry, but I have the pecs in the room. We hadn't gotten to backs yet, you might still be in the running there."  
  
"Fine, none of you may appreciate my physique, but I am not the one going to Hogsmeade alone this weekend." James didn't stick out his tongue like he would have a few years ago, but it was still implied in his tone.  
  
"Yeah, but you're going with Ellen Ferris, I don't think that counts for a whole lot. She's a quidditch groupie. As long as you can stay on a broom for more than five minutes, she'll give you a tumble." Sirius paused for a second. "But I suppose it's still a tumble, isn't it?"  
  
James' smile reminded Remus of a cat somehow, more arrogant than any human should be capable of "Now you see the point. Speaking of points, we came up here to fetch the two of you to dinner."  
  
"I'll be along in a little, let me just get some papers together for the library later. We have the Arithmancy exam this week" Remus started shuffling through the stack of parchment on his bed.  
  
"Damn, I forgot we were working on that tonight. You two go. We'll be along in a few." Sirius began looking with some concern at the parchments Remus was sorting out.  
  
James was already out the door when Peter turned. "Remus, don't forget what I said about you know what. I'll be sure to save you some food." He smiled and, damn him, winked before closing the door behind him.  
  
"What was that about?" Sirius asked, sounding a little concerned.  
  
Remus tried to think of a lie, a line, anything... but that was Peter's plan, wasn't it? Remus couldn't lie, he was crap at it and now he would have to follow Peter's advice and just come out with the truth. "It was about the conversation you walked in on." Even his determination, or resignation really, to be honest wasn't enough to keep him from stalling.  
  
"You weren't talking about Madame Lauren's Charms, were you?" Sirius' voice was quiet, but he was smiling. That was enough encouragement for Remus. He was already in too deep to back-pedal anyway.  
  
"No, we weren't. We were talking about the things I would like to do to your ass." He blushed as the words left his mouth, shocked at the phrase but pleased to see that Sirius' shock was greater, and that he was still smiling. 


End file.
